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Sad to think that my parents - two of the most loving and kindly (why does this word immediately bring to mind the elderly?) people on earth - will never be grandparents. This seems to be more and more likely as "time goes about its immemorial work". None of us "kids" want kids.

Meeting Mom and Dad for lunch, Mom and I walked around the courtyard of the restaurant while Dad parked the car. A toddler came stumbling pigeon-toed along the walkway, never falling -- for lack of sufficient weight to bring her down, I supposed, and the sheer force of her forward motion -- but tripping on her own feet with each step...curls bouncing...fingers pointing at everything she found thrilling, which was everything...seeming to be laughing at herself as she defied gravity. I watched Mom watching her. Pang of guilt. But only a small one.

Am I abnormal not ever to have fully felt the mothering instinct that was my own mother's entire existence? Am I just supremely selfish? Thinking of beautiful Mathilde in one of the movies I've listed here, I recall her husband's narative about her body never being distorted by pregnancy. Is it vanity then?

Okay. ? #1 I've always known I'm not easy to label. My friends are a select few misfits and loners like myself, most of whom couldn't be considered my peers. No matter how my parents pushed me to join in, and do this, and be that, I've never known the feeling of "fitting in". My quirks sometimes bother even me.

? #2 I've often been accused of being selfish, though I do consider it a vice and have made conscious effort since becoming a grown-up to put myself last. I've learned to equate it to childishness, and that's never very attractive.

? #3 Yep. I think looks are important, and I hate myself for thinking so. I have totally screwed with my feng shui by having too many mirrors in all the inauspicious places.

So then, it's yes to all questions.

And I'm letting Dad pick up the check as I think about that tripping, giggling projectile-child and realize: I don't want a child of my own for my parents to spoil and dote on and pick up after her ballet lesson. I want to be one.

Today: Have decided that, just as I have my own arsenal of ritual and superstitition, I can also have my own private feng shui....that the "Black Violet" lipsticked notes-to-self on the corners of my mirrors like:

~drink more water

~"i'm not in love, so don't forget it"

~use eye contact to surprise people

will work to totally reverse the effects of poorly placed mirrors or negative thoughts. Work on this new meism* tomorrow.

* what results from the bending of universal truths and, in particular, theories -- as they are, by their very definition, malleable things -- to suit my own shamelessly selfish needs and desires

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